The Throat
Ladies, if you want to marry, date, fuck, and/or kill a man, getting dangerously close to the jugular is totally the way to go. That way, you can scare him into loving/dying (it’s apparently the same thing). Also, hold him down or push him against the wall; that’s the best way to ensure he’s freaked out enough to effectively fall into your loving and/or borderline stalker-murderous-psychotic arms.
********************************************
The Back
Awww, girls, look how quirky-cute you are, with your legs wrapped around your man (you can’t get away now, boys!) or your breasts on the verge of popping out of your mini-tank slash sports bra into the face of the guy you’re using as a tabletop. And these posters tell me so much about the films, too! Really:
1) your man is going to carry you away from your god-awful once man-less life
2) you’re going to ride the shit out of your man while … possibly selling your body?
3) boobs
********************************************
The Rope
First of all, the women of Blind Dating clearly represent all women that a man might potentially have the pleasure of one day blind dating. There are no female stereotypes in this poster at all whatsoever. And my god isn’t he so completely gorgeous and worthy of all this hot-girl worship? This poster doesn’t remind me at all whatsoever of films with average-joe male leads who somehow end up in a clusterfuck of girl-stalk. That would, in fact, be a ridiculous concept in general, one that would definitely never hold up as an actual movie plot. And Four Christmases, thanks for the Christmas present illustration. I’m not quite sure which obvious rom-com bullshit I’m supposed to take from that—their relationship is a gift? they’re in it together? ohmigod don’t leave me?—but thanks. Seriously, thanks.
********************************************
The Gag
See what women do, boys? Emasculate. Dominate. Take away your ability to, you know, speak. And don’t they look like they’re having a blast doing it?
********************************************
The Tie
Pretty Woman and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past are separated by, what, twenty years? Yet it’s the same. fucking. poster. Well, the newer version contains the bachelor’s previous girlfriends, looking all suspicious and conniving, like women do. But both posters still give off that grab-your-man-by-the-leash vibe. He needs to be tamed. By you. Before he can settle down and give you that nuclear family and ultimate feeling of completeness that all women desire. And Jennifer Aniston, every guy’s girl-next-door-girl, will totally either strangle Ben Stiller or help him loosen up and have fun! You go girl! If he needs changing and/or saving, you’re certainly the woman to do it.
This is freakin brilliant.