This Christmas will be my second in a row spent 5000 miles away from my family and the happy, traditional celebrations that characterized the first 21 Christmases of my life. I am feeling pretty okay about this, though, because I’ve discovered the essential ingredients for Christmas to be Christmas. They’re not family or presents or a big meal or the baby Jesus. As it turns out, all I really need to get into the holiday mood is my little list of essential Christmas viewing.
 |
| This is an exact depiction of the Lukan birth narrative, right? Look, I’m a theologian, not a biblical scholar. |
For your viewing pleasure – particularly if you are far distant from family traditions – I share with you my Six Things To Watch Otherwise It’s Not Christmas.
(Sorry, Die Hard not included.)
Mystery Science Theater 3000 season 5 episode 21: “Santa Claus”
This is a deeply, profoundly, horrendously painful movie to watch. If you ever wanted to watch Saint Nick best Old Nick, where Saint Nick is the creepiest non-serial-killer Santa in cinematic history while the devil is just flat-out incompetent, then there’s something very very wrong with you, but there’s also a movie that caters directly to your reprehensible tastes. For everyone else, enjoy that endless beginning sequence of Santa’s sweatshop flagrantly flouting child labor laws – a timely reminder that the gifts you give and receive this holiday season were probably made by actual child laborers in actual sweatshops. Merry Christmas!
Also, the best holiday song ever.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 season 3 episode 21: “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”
This one, on the other hand? Is just so stupid, I can’t even. Yes, it is literally a movie about Martians kidnapping Santa Claus. Yes, it’s terrible on every conceivable level. And yet, to my shame, I find it immensely watchable. Honestly, if this movie had never appeared on MST3K, I would probably watch it every year anyway. Luckily, it was not only featured on MST3K, it was re-riffed by the same team with all-new jokes a couple years ago, which means I get to watch it twice without looking like a person who enjoys watching this movie.
Also, the second-best holiday song ever.
The Muppet Christmas Carol
I don’t need to say anything about this. It’s The Muppet Christmas Carol. Who ever heard of a Christmas without The Muppet Christmas Carol?
 |
| Pictured: Christmas. |
A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All!
I’ll be honest, the rewatch value on Stephen Colbert’s 2008 Christmas special is not that high, and your patience for the songs is likely to vary wildly depending on your ability to stomach the assorted musical guests. (Goddamn, the Toby Keith bit is painful.) But the opening number is pretty great, and I sometimes have these cynical moments when “There Are Much Worse Things To Believe In” is my favorite Christmas song ever.
Community season 2 episode 11: “Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas”
So what if it’s only two years old? It’s super amazing forever! Songs! Feelings! Stop-motion, of which it is legally mandated that every list of favorite Christmas specials must include at least one! The Christmas pterodactyl! Also, it’s freaking Community!!
 |
| Did you know it’s coming back on February 7??? |
The Snowman
A very British entry to round out the list. If you’re unfamiliar with The Snowman, it’s a short, wordless, entirely lovely animated film about a boy whose snowman comes to life. You should watch it this Christmas and have a good cry.
 |
|
| Happy hols, everyone! |
Max Thornton blogs at Gay Christian Geek, and is slowly learning to twitter at @RainicornMax.
That Community episode is AMAZING!!!!