Women in Politics Week: White Dudes Sayin’ Stuff: A Journey Through Conservative Political Cartoons

And now for something completely different.

In addition to my hobbies of watching films and cartoons, I like reading comics. Sometimes I read the highbrow stuff like Maus or Persepolis, and sometimes I read trash. Complete and utter bullshit. One of the longstanding traditions of the Something Awful Forums is its Political Cartoon Thread, which is an ongoing discussion of how the mainstream media interprets political debate through metaphor and imagery. And by that, I mean they find the worst cartoonists possible and make fun of them. Somehow all the really bad cartoonists are conservative! I couldn’t imagine why that could be, could you?

And if there’s one thing conservatives have made themselves known for lately, it’s just how well they understand the issues of women. It’s like there’s a War on Women or something. And if there’s one thing I’ve noticed, it’s that white dudes seem to have a particularly nuanced understanding of what it is to be a modern woman facing such issues as birth control, abortion, and sexual harassment. See how well the following white dudes represent their totally well thought out opinions:

That Lindsay Lohan. How dare she have a crippling drug addiction. It’s almost as if she’s been in the public eye all her life and completely abandoned by her irresponsible stage parents! But Sean Delonas knows how to deal with Lindsay Lohan. Oh yes. Let’s not let these slutty druggies get away with being sluts and drug addicts any more. Let’s kill them. It’s not like she doesn’t deserve it or something.

Terry Wise understands science so well. And who are we to tell this guy how to raise his daughters? His daughters don’t have cervixes! What do you think he is, a pimp? The second you give his daughters a vaccination, they’ll get autism in their vaginas! If he wants his precious little angels to get cancer, that’s HIS RIGHT. GOD. BLESS. AMERICA.

Willful misunderstanding of Sandra Fluke’s speech is a time-honored tradition amongst white male conservatives. But Mike Ramirez, winner of TWO Pulitzers, doesn’t have time for research or fact checking. For you see, YOUR TAX DOLLARS ARE PAYING FOR US TO BE SLUTS! SLUTS, I TELL YOU! There is only one use for birth control pills, and that’s for sex. Only men are allowed to have sex! That’s why Viagra is covered by insurance and the Pill isn’t. After all, they wrote right in the constitution that “Freedom is only for the Penis.” They also wrote, “Catholics have more freedom than you do.” No tax for sluts!

Eric Allie sees right through those crafty Democrats. Modern Women won’t fall for their tricks, what with their equal pay laws and funding for domestic abuse shelters! Oh no, Women will rise up and stand up to those crazy Democrats, because Women HATE contraception, and they HATE it when an opposing political party points out that the Republicans seem to be disproportionately targeting Women’s Issues in their bills. What’s that? Obama has an 18 point lead over Romney amongst female voters? Pssh. Liberal media bias.

Sandra Fluke has sex. She has sex CONSTANTLY. And she wants YOU to pay for her! To have sex! SEEEEEEX! She even has sex upside down! She has sex with your taxes! SEEEEEEX! Men like A.F. Branco know better though. They use their own tax dollars to pay for their own sex. Prostitutes always give receipts.

White dudes REALLY hate Sandra Fluke, including Gary McCoy. That Sandra Fluke, with her grotesquely ugly face and 500 pound frame and unshaven legs. She totally discussed an opinion on abortion too, because she wants to have lots of sex and then KILL ALL THE BABIES. She’s coming to your house and she’s going to KILL. YOUR. BABY. And then she’s going to prostitute herself in a bathroom because she’s a slut. Sluts never shave their legs, doncha know.

Brian Farrington knows how to raise teenage girls. There’s nothing more important than a good reputation, and old ladies TOTALLY understand how family planning works, right? There are only two kinds of young women in the world. Good girls who keep their legs closed, and DRUNKEN WHORES! Don’t be a drunken whore, because Mr. Farrington is judging the shit out of you! Don’t let those “women’s libbers” tell you how to think, teenage girls. White Dudes know better than they do.

White Dudes get SO close to being compassionate and understanding of the problem, but then they remember that there are women to oppress. Chuck Asay knows that Planned Parenthood employees ALWAYS recommend abortion and ONLY abortion, and that their main concern is keeping the whole thing quiet rather than getting a statutory rapist prosecuted. For you see, ONLY the fetus shall pay for this crime (and, okay, the taxpayer, who is more important than anyone else in the cartoon), when it should totally be the 14-year-old child who was exploited by her adult boyfriend. It’s tough, but that’s what she deserves. Also, she’s black. Maybe you noticed that.

A consensual extramarital affair is completely comparable to a man who looked the other way while his colleague was repeatedly raping little boys. Bill Clinton got away with the worst crime in history! And after all, football is the most important thing in the universe! Won’t somebody think of the child molesters and their enablers? Glenn McCoy (brother of Fluke hater Gary McCoy) speaks for the oppressed pedophiles. Also, Monica Lewinsky is a fat ugly skank. (Here’s a bonus Glenn McCoy cartoon if you can bear looking at bloody fetuses.)

So you see, White Male Conservatives truly understand how the world works. We silly women just don’t get it. They have penises, they make the rules. They get to have all the sex, we are just allowed to lie there and put up with it. And we’d better have as many babies as humanly possible, or we’re SLUTS. And don’t forget it. Also, Sandra Fluke sucks. The White Dudes have spoken.

——